Tag Archives: kid jokes

My kids say the darndest things – the January 2013 edition

I’m skipping my WWW Wednesdays update because I’m still reading Killing Floor by Lee Child (it’s very good by the way). Instead I’ve got something I think you’ll enjoy very much.

My kids have been saying some pretty funny things recently and I’ve tried to write them down so I wouldn’t forget. Unfortunately I missed a few but I still have a good list to share. I love to witness first-hand how their little brains work, and what their thought process is.

Warning: this post is rated R for some crude language. I could have bleeped it, but I don’t think you would get the full effect that way. It’s much funnier with the dirty words. :-)

Reminder: Son#1 is 6 and a half years old at this time. Son #2 is almost 5.

New year's resolutionsA child’s new year resolutions
Son #1: “Our writing at school today was about our new year’s resolutions.”
Me: “Oh, yeah? What did you write about?”
Son #2: “I wrote I want to eat healthy foods, exercise, and not smoke.”
Phew, I’m glad to hear, especially about the smoking part!

The way to a mom’s heart is through her son’s stomach
Son #2: “My favorite part of the day is when I bake with you, Mama.”
Me: “How nice! I love baking with you too.”
Son #2: “Can we bake some chocolate chip cookies now?” (big grin)
Argh, I was tricked by a four-year old!

A grandmother’s age
Son #2: “Mami* is 100 years old.” (*my mom)
Me: “Really? How do you know that?”
Son #2: “Because all grandmothers are 100 years old. And then they die. Because nobody lives older than 100.”
I guess grandmothers get to stay 100 years old for a long time…

Know your superheroes
Son #1: “Mama, what’s Dr Seuss’s real name again?”
Me: ” Er, let me think about it, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”
Son #2: “Bruce Wayne!”
Yep! Batman, Dr Seuss, they’re both superheroes from a child’s point of view.

Know your animals #1
Son #2: “Do you know a wild asshole is an animal?”
Me: “Um, it’s called a wild ass.”
Son #1: “No, Mama, it’s called a wild asshole!”
These are the times when I know to give up trying to educate my kid, and just walk away.

Macaroni penguinKnow your animals #2
Son #2: “Look Mama, it’s a… a…” (pointing at the photo of an animal)
Me: “A penguin?”
Son #2: “What’s that called again? A mac and cheese penguin?”
Oh, so close! By the way, he did recall it was a macaroni penguin later. He knows more animal names than I do.

The letter F
My four-year old studies a new letter every week at school and the teacher asks kids to give her words starting with that letter every day. The letter F was coming up the following week so we wanted to brainstorm and find some words.
Me: “What words starting with F do you know?”
Son #2: “Fucking.”
Me: “No, you don’t say that word at school.”
Son #2: “How about fuck?”

Sounds like…
Son #1: “Can we do a conquest?”
Me: “Sure, what are we conquering?”
Son #1: “Mama, I meant contest!”
Why not go along? It sounded like fun. :-)

When I grow up
Son #2: “Mama, what do you want to me when you grow up?”
Me: “I’m already grown up.”
Son #2: “Oh… What do you want to be when you’re already grown up?”
You can read more about our “When I grow up” conversations here.

Kids Say the Darndest Things – Spring 2011 edition

Almost a year ago, I shared some funny / wacky things my kids have said, so I thought it’d be fun to add funny quotes, now that my sons have matured a little, verbally and mentally. Adults tend to work hard at being funny while kids manage to entertain us every day, on purpose or not. As they become more adept with the language, they even start using play on words and create new expressions. Other times they just manage to say things we can’t help but laugh at.

Truly Nolan yellow mouse car Here are a few of my “Kids say the darndest things” favorites from the past few months:

“Look at that yellow car on the tow truck. If it was a mouse car, there would be a dead mouse on the side of the road!”
My oldest came up with this joke yesterday as we were driving by a broken-down yellow car. He loves the Truly Nolan yellow cars and calls them mouse cars. I love his on-the-spot joke creation – he’s becoming quite a funny guy.

“Wait for it…”
My youngest is three years old and I have no idea where he got this line from but he uses it at least once a week. I swear we don’t let him watch Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother”. He’s still working on the punchlines he should deliver after the “wait for it”, which may be the funniest part of it all. It’s like waiting for Godot…

“It’s not bubble gum, it’s double gum.”
My oldest is almost five years old and has fun inventing new expressions. His “double gum” creation involves putting two pieces of gum in your mouth, but of different kinds, for a sensational burst of flavors. I’ve tried his concoction and the kid is right, it tastes great!

“How did the Easter Bunny know that I love spacemen?”
That’s what my oldest wondered when the Easter Bunny brought him an assortment of plastic space toys. My answer to him? Just like Santa, the Easter Bunny sees and knows everything about you. I’m not sure if I freaked him out or just confused him…

“How did you get out of the fence?”
Remember how in the TV series “Home Improvement”, Tim Allen only talked to his neighbor Wilson through the fence? Well, that’s how my kids communicate with our neighbor’s son most of the time. So my three year old was apparently shocked to catch our little neighbor “out of the fence” and in front of his house last week. We’re still laughing about this one.

“When I grow up, I want to be a policeman so I can give tickets.”
Right out of my oldest son’s mouth – he makes me so proud!

Son #1: “When I grow up, I want to work at Panda Express so I can be the man making fire.” Son #2: “I want to make fire too.” Son #1: “No, you’ll be THAT guy.” (pointing at the poor guy working the register)
Are they really fighting over who’ll be cooking in the Panda Express kitchen?

“…107, 108, 109, a million!”
Wow, so all I need is $109 and add one more dollar to be … a millionaire! I’m still impressed my oldest can count on his own to 109. I just need to rectify his course a little.

“It’s not called Fresh & Easy. It’s Fresh & Zizi.”
Only 3 years old and my youngest is already playing with words. For those of you who don’t know French, “zizi” (pronounced zee-zee) is what French kids call their “willy”. I’ll leave it at that…

“When Boris dies, I want to get kittens at Petsmart because they’re sooooo cute.”
My oldest knows we won’t get more cats until our current cat passes away (his buddy died earlier this year). Should I be worried about Boris’s well being?

“Get away, I’m still tired. And close the door!”
That’s how my youngest welcomed me when I tried to wake him up from his nap a few weeks ago. I have a feeling he’s going to be an interesting teenager…

“Mama, I’m going to marry you!”
My oldest whispers this in my ear at least once a week. For more on this interesting development phase, read my post “Mama, I’m going to marry you!”

“Just wait, it’s barfering!”
Barfering, buffering – yeah, I guess you could use either term when you stare at on your computer screen, waiting for streaming video to get going.

“It says, Be nice and no biting!”
What my youngest announced the fortune paper in his fortune cookie read. The kid knows what’s good for him!

Do you kids say funny things that you dare to share?

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