You know the saying, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well, I’ve got plenty of lemonade to make because so far 2012 has been worse than 2011. The truth is, life can be a bitch (pardon my French but I can actually say that because I am French). All that matters is how you deal with it.
In January 2012 my husband suffered a traumatic brain injury as the result of a skiing accident. You can imagine the event was very trying for our family. Fortunately he fully recovered after two months of intense treatment. But the recovery also meant he was back to his old self, and it wasn’t a good thing. I won’t say much in order to protect his privacy but for the past few years, he’s made my life and my kids’ lives very difficult and painful. There are just so many hurtful things he could do or say, and so many lies he could tell until I ran out of love and trust. I tried to preserve the appearances for the kids’ sake but when I realized the situation was unhealthy and unsafe for them too, my job #1 as a mother was to ensure their well-being.
So I asked my husband to move out, which he did relunctantly. He sought help for his many problems and now claims to be a changed man. I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly, and one thing I’ve learned in life is that people can run but they can’t hide who they really are inside. And it’s not pretty. My kids have adapted to the new situation quite well considering the circumstances, even though some days have been easier than others. My kids are really smart and have made the best out of a terrible situation. I’m so, SO proud of them. I’m proud of their resilience, their flexibility, their inner strength and their positive attitude in these times of insecurity. I hope they grow up to be wonderful, caring, loving men. They’ve earned it.
A month ago, my husband asked to move back in with us. So much damage has been done on my end, it’s irreparable so I declined. Soon after that, he apparently found true love. I also found out he’d been dating other women during our separation. Knowing this makes me SO glad I didn’t take him back, when I realize how little our 9-year-old relationship meant to him.
So I’ve been taking things one day at a time, focusing on healing and helping my kids being happy and healthy. I’m very, very blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, who have offered more help, support and guidance I could ever have asked for. THANK YOU ALL for being there for me in these dark times. I’m looking forward to plenty of brighter days.
But the brighter days are not here yet, because of the health concerns I’m now facing. What did I tell you about life being a bitch? It’s relentless! For more than a month now, my lymph nodes have started to swell, not just in the usual places but also random places, such as the back of my neck, under my collarbone and by my breast. Since my mom is a cancer survivor, the thought of breast cancer is always at the back of my mind. After a lot of probing and testing, I may be in the clear for this one, but I still have no explanation for the swelling. So I’ve had more blood tests and a neck CAT scan and as of today, still no diagnostic. The next step is a lymph node biopsy, which takes two separate appointments. Only the biopsy will clearly identify if I have lymphoma, some type of cancer, or something else. Lovely.
The weirdest thing, which may be “good” news for me or just a coincidence, is that my kids have slightly swollen lymph nodes all over too. Just like me, they have no other symptoms. The pediatrician just ordered a bunch of tests, some of them different from mine. She’s hoping the three of us actually have some kind of bacterial, viral or fungal infection causing these symptoms. I’ll be acting as the family guinea pig with my biopsy. I’d take an infection over lymphoma or cancer anytime. Only time will tell, and the waiting is the worst.
So there you have it, the cat is out of the bag. More than half the year has gone by and I still have hope the year will end better than how it started. My son is starting first grade today and I’m as excited and anxious as he is. Life goes on, and it’s up to us to enjoy the ride or not. As Leo Tolstoy once said, “If
you want to be happy, be.”
The song below is the one I think about every single day when it comes to me and my kids, and our situation. Because when life gives you lemons, somewhere over the rainbow “trouble melts like lemon drops”.