The reason why there has been a TV show about this is because it’s all true. Kids do say the darndest things, and the funniest. Sometimes they make us laugh and others they simply baffle us. I’ve been updating this list as time goes by, so you’ll see the most recent funny statements at the top (they are also listed in individual posts here and there). You’re welcome to submit your personal best kid statements in the Comments section below.
Warning: this page is rated R for some crude language. I could have bleeped it, but I don’t think you would get the full effect that way. It’s much funnier with the dirty words. :-)
I’ve created a regular edition of the darndest things my kids say with Goofy Monday. Here’s a list of links to the various posts. Below that is a list of the darndest things they said and I collected at random times.
Goofy Monday: true advertising - March 24, 2014
Goofy Monday a la French, and some other unknown land… - March 10, 2014
Goofy Monday: Don’t drive like my brother! - January 13, 2014
Goofy Monday: keeping up with kid logic - November 18, 2013
Goofy Monday: shark vs. croc - October 21, 2013
Goofy Monday: understanding the human body – September 30, 2013
Goofy Monday: animal mix-up – August 12, 2013
Goofy Monday: butt pockets and udders – July 22, 2013
Goofy Monday: dirty ears and dirty mouth – June 10, 2013
Goofy Monday: what rhymes with Cupid? – June 3, 2013
Goofy Monday: raising a smart ass kid – May 20, 2013
Goofy Monday: playing ninja – May 6, 2013
Goofy Monday: I guess I’m just getting old – April 15, 2013
Goofy Monday: chickens and butts, not no chicken butts – March 25, 2013
Goofy Monday: boobies and other private parts – March 18, 2013
Goofy Monday: an early taste of the teenage years – March 11, 2013
Goofy Monday: cooking with rotten eggs – March 4, 2013
Goofy Monday: how about some duel immersion? – February 25, 2013
Goofy Monday: how it all started – February 18, 2013
A child’s new year resolutions
Son #1: “Our writing at school today was about our new year’s resolutions.”
Me: “Oh, yeah? What did you write about?”
Son #2: “I wrote I want to eat healthy foods, exercise, and not smoke.”
Phew, I’m glad to hear, especially about the smoking part!
The way to a mom’s heart is through her son’s stomach
Son #2: “My favorite part of the day is when I bake with you, Mama.”
Me: “How nice! I love baking with you too.”
Son #2: “Can we bake some chocolate chip cookies now?” (big grin)
Argh, I was tricked by a four-year old!
A grandmother’s age
Son #2: “Mami* is 100 years old.” (*my mom)
Me: “Really? How do you know that?”
Son #2: “Because all grandmothers are 100 years old. And then they die. Because nobody lives older than 100.”
I guess grandmothers get to stay 100 years old for a long time…
Know your superheroes
Son #1: “Mama, what’s Dr Seuss’s real name again?”
Me: ” Er, let me think about it, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”
Son #2: “Bruce Wayne!”
Yep! Batman, Dr Seuss, they’re both superheroes from a child’s point of view.
Know your animals #1
Son #2: “Do you know a wild asshole is an animal?”
Me: “Um, it’s called a wild ass.”
Son #1: “No, Mama, it’s called a wild asshole!”
These are the times when I know to give up trying to educate my kid, and just walk away.
Know your animals #2
Son #2: “Look Mama, it’s a… a…” (pointing at the photo of an animal)
Me: “A penguin?”
Son #2: “What’s that called again? A mac and cheese penguin?”
Oh, so close! By the way, he did recall it was a macaroni penguin later. He knows more animal names than I do.
The letter F
My four-year old studies a new letter every week at school and the teacher asks kids to give her words starting with that letter every day. The letter F was coming up the following week so we wanted to brainstorm and find some words.
Me: “What words starting with F do you know?”
Son #2: “Fucking.”
Me: “No, you don’t say that word at school.”
Son #2: “How about fuck?”
Son #1: “Can we do a conquest?”
Me: “Sure, what are we conquering?”
Son #1: “Mama, I meant contest!”
Why not go along? It sounded like fun. :-)
When I grow up
Son #2: “Mama, what do you want to me when you grow up?”
Me: “I’m already grown up.”
Son #2: “Oh… What do you want to be when you’re already grown up?”
You can read more about our “When I grow up” conversations here.
Son #2 kept hugging me while sucking his thumb one recent morning in my car, while we were waiting for his school to start.
Me: Why are you hugging me? Are you tired?
Son #2: No. It’s because I love you.
Oh, I’ll take that!
Rock the vote
Son #1: When the election comes, I’m voting for Barack Obama.
Me: Why is he your choice?
Son #1: Because he’s already president and he deserves to stay president.
Me: Some presidents do well and deserve to be re-elected, and some don’t. What about Romney?
Son #1: I don’t think Mr. Romney would make a good president.
Out of the mouth of babes…
The coolest job
Son #2: When I grow up, I want to be a cockroach exterminator.
Me: Why is that?
Son #2: Because I get to wear a gas mask.
Beats sitting at a desk the whole day, for sure.
Books are a danger to your wallet
I recently bought a Lego Star Wars dictionary at the school book fair. The boys’ latest conversation while flipping the pages went like this:
Son #1 (pointing): I want this one.
Son #2 (pointing): And I want this one.
Son #1: And I want this AT-AT.
Son #2: Me too!
Son #1: Then we should get two. One for you, and one for me. And one for Mama so she has her own AT-AT and doesn’t play with ours.
How does he know I always wanted one?
Only in America
One day, I was talking with the boys about Big 5, a sporting goods store not far from our house. I wanted to buy some new swim goggles there for Son #2.
Son #1: They sell guns there, you know. And bowling balls.
That one left me speechless.
“Look at that yellow car on the tow truck. If it was a mouse car, there would be a dead mouse on the side of the road!”
My oldest came up with this joke yesterday as we were driving by a broken-down yellow car. He loves the Truly Nolan yellow cars and calls them mouse cars. I love his on-the-spot joke creation – he’s becoming quite a funny guy.
“Wait for it…”
My youngest is three years old and I have no idea where he got this line from but he uses it at least once a week. I swear we don’t let him watch Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother”. He’s still working on the punchlines he should deliver after the “wait for it”, which may be the funniest part of it all. It’s like waiting for Godot…
“It’s not bubble gum, it’s double gum.”
My oldest is almost five years old and has fun inventing new expressions. His “double gum” creation involves putting two pieces of gum in your mouth, but of different kinds, for a sensational burst of flavors. I’ve tried his concoction and the kid is right, it tastes great!
“How did the Easter Bunny know that I love spacemen?”
That’s what my oldest wondered when the Easter Bunny brought him an assortment of plastic space toys. My answer to him? Just like Santa, the Easter Bunny sees and knows everything about you. I’m not sure if I freaked him out or just confused him…
“How did you get out of the fence?”
Remember how in the TV series “Home Improvement”, Tim Allen only talked to his neighbor Wilson through the fence? Well, that’s how my kids communicate with our neighbor’s son most of the time. So my three year old was apparently shocked to catch our little neighbor “out of the fence” and in front of his house last week. We’re still laughing about this one.
“When I grow up, I want to be a policeman so I can give tickets.”
Right out of my oldest son’s mouth – he makes me so proud!
Son #1: “When I grow up, I want to work at Panda Express so I can be the man making fire.” Son #2: “I want to make fire too.” Son #1: “No, you’ll be THAT guy.” (pointing at the poor guy working the register)
Are they really fighting over who’ll be cooking in the Panda Express kitchen?
“…107, 108, 109, a million!”
Wow, so all I need is $109 and add one more dollar to be … a millionaire! I’m still impressed my oldest can count on his own to 109. I just need to rectify his course a little.
“It’s not called Fresh & Easy. It’s Fresh & Zizi.”
Only 3 years old and my youngest is already playing with words. For those of you who don’t know French, “zizi” (pronounced zee-zee) is what French kids call their “willy”. I’ll leave it at that…
“When Boris dies, I want to get kittens at Petsmart because they’re sooooo cute.”
My oldest knows we won’t get more cats until our current cat passes away (his buddy died earlier this year). Should I be worried about Boris’s well being?
“Get away, I’m still tired. And close the door!”
That’s how my youngest welcomed me when I tried to wake him up from his nap a few weeks ago. I have a feeling he’s going to be an interesting teenager…
“Mama, I’m going to marry you!”
My oldest whispers this in my ear at least once a week. For more on this interesting development phase, read my post “Mama, I’m going to marry you!”
“Just wait, it’s barfering!”
Barfering, buffering – yeah, I guess you could use either term when you stare at on your computer screen, waiting for streaming video to get going.
“It says, Be nice and no biting!”
What my two-and-a-half-year-old son decided his fortune paper said out of a Chinese fortune cookie… The kid knows what’s good for him!
“Mummies are dead people wrapped up in toilet paper”
That’s what my four-year old believes about mummies. It doesn’t help that he gets those facts from Skippyjon Jones in mummy trouble!
“Where is my f&#%ing triceratops?”
Wow… and that’s coming out of a two year old’s mouth!!! I’m not sure I’m more proud that he can use the F expletive in a grammatically correct sentence, or that he can say triceratops… We’d better watch our language around the kids!
“Read Sophie Peter Pan, please!”
That’s what my two-and-a-half year old son calls Sophie in the book “Sophie Peterman tells the truth”. Ironically it does have a page about pirates in there, but no specific mention of Captain Hook!
“Can you show me how to get really married with Marisa, so we can have a baby?”
My oldest’s request regarding his unmarried situation with his schoolmate. What are they really teaching them in school?
“Stop Papa, you can’t read French!”
My two-year-old’s brutely honest observation when his dad tries to read him a book in French.
“You’ll be able to do it when you’re four”
My four-year-old son’s advice to his little brother when he can’t do something, like grabbing a blanket with his curled-up toes.
“It’s shaking the whole world!”
My four-year-old’s comment about the July 4, 2010 fireworks, as he watched them live for the first time in his life.
My two-year-old son making up his own word while waiting for YouTube videos to “buffer”. You can’t tell he’s had barfing thoughts on his mind recently…
“I want to go to Michael’s, get the white whale.”
OK, at first this doesn’t sound too amazing, but that’s what my two-year-old told me 30 seconds after I had EXACTLY the same thought in my head. We were driving to a store located in the same plaza as Michael’s and I was remembering that my son had been checking out the beluga whale there. That was the thought on my mind right before I heard him say out loud what I had been thinking! Coincidence, or amazing ESP (extra-sensory perception)? You tell me!
“You don’t poop on the floor, you poop on the potty!”
What my two-year-old potty-trained son told his almost three-year-old playmate at daycare. The kid went on to poop on the potty instead of his diaper, for the first time in his life. Peer pressure in action!
“I saw two rhinos poop on the floor!”
What my two-year-old son feels compelled to tell almost everyone he talks to since he did see that happen (straight shot) during our latest visit to San Diego’s Wild Animal Park. I still have visions of this when he mentions it, it was quite striking…
“Let’s go to Uncle Steve’s house, get a gun and shoot him!”
My son’s idea on how to get rid of the squirrel who comes in our backyard and munches on my sweet chard seedlings. We didn’t get a gun, didn’t kill the squirrel and there’s absolutely no trace of sweet chard left in my garden. I see my son’s point now.
“Beep the horn, Mama!”
That’s what my oldest son likes to say when he gets impatient with the traffic in front of us. He’s the second worst backseat driver I know, right behind… you guess it, his very own dad. You don’t believe me? He won’t just say, “beep the horn”, he’ll actually reach over and press on it!
“Did you like playdough when you were a little boy?”
My almost four-year old son saying this to me, his mom. He obviously suffers from gender misconceptions, or I need to grow my hair longer than shoulder length…
“My daddy’s here!”
What my two-year old says when I, his mom, pick him up at daycare every day. Alright, am I turning into a man??? For his defense, he calls us Mama and Papa, so maybe he doesn’t understand what Daddy is yet.
“Buzz Up Here!”
My two-year old trying to say “Buzz Lightyear”.
“You’re an a…hole, Papa!”
My two-year old likes to make his dad laugh every time he says that. After a dozen times in the past couple of weeks, dad is not laughing anymore…
“What are we doing today?”
What my oldest son says every weekend when he wakes up from his nap, thinking this is a brand new morning. The other day, he even commented as we were leaving home at 4:30pm that he hadn’t had his breakfast pancakes yet!
“More broccoli, papa!”
What an 18-month old tells you to make you feel so proud! Two years later, he still loves broccoli.
By the way, kids not only say but they also do the darndest things! Read my post on “How to entertain a child with trash cans and ducks” to find out more.
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