The reason why there has been a TV show about this is because it’s all true. Kids do say the darndest things, and the funniest. Sometimes they make us laugh and others they simply baffle us. I’ll be updating this as time goes by. You’re welcome to submit your personal best kid statements!
“Look at that yellow car on the tow truck. If it was a mouse car, there would be a dead mouse on the side of the road!”
My oldest came up with this joke yesterday as we were driving by a broken-down yellow car. He loves the Truly Nolan yellow cars and calls them mouse cars. I love his on-the-spot joke creation – he’s becoming quite a funny guy.
“Wait for it…”
My youngest is three years old and I have no idea where he got this line from but he uses it at least once a week. I swear we don’t let him watch Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother”. He’s still working on the punchlines he should deliver after the “wait for it”, which may be the funniest part of it all. It’s like waiting for Godot…
“It’s not bubble gum, it’s double gum.”
My oldest is almost five years old and has fun inventing new expressions. His “double gum” creation involves putting two pieces of gum in your mouth, but of different kinds, for a sensational burst of flavors. I’ve tried his concoction and the kid is right, it tastes great!
“How did the Easter Bunny know that I love spacemen?”
That’s what my oldest wondered when the Easter Bunny brought him an assortment of plastic space toys. My answer to him? Just like Santa, the Easter Bunny sees and knows everything about you. I’m not sure if I freaked him out or just confused him…
“How did you get out of the fence?”
Remember how in the TV series “Home Improvement”, Tim Allen only talked to his neighbor Wilson through the fence? Well, that’s how my kids communicate with our neighbor’s son most of the time. So my three year old was apparently shocked to catch our little neighbor “out of the fence” and in front of his house last week. We’re still laughing about this one.
“When I grow up, I want to be a policeman so I can give tickets.”
Right out of my oldest son’s mouth – he makes me so proud!
Son #1: “When I grow up, I want to work at Panda Express so I can be the man making fire.” Son #2: “I want to make fire too.” Son #1: “No, you’ll be THAT guy.” (pointing at the poor guy working the register)
Are they really fighting over who’ll be cooking in the Panda Express kitchen?
“…107, 108, 109, a million!”
Wow, so all I need is $109 and add one more dollar to be … a millionaire! I’m still impressed my oldest can count on his own to 109. I just need to rectify his course a little.
“It’s not called Fresh & Easy. It’s Fresh & Zizi.”
Only 3 years old and my youngest is already playing with words. For those of you who don’t know French, “zizi” (pronounced zee-zee) is what French kids call their “willy”. I’ll leave it at that…
“When Boris dies, I want to get kittens at Petsmart because they’re sooooo cute.”
My oldest knows we won’t get more cats until our current cat passes away (his buddy died earlier this year). Should I be worried about Boris’s well being?
“Get away, I’m still tired. And close the door!”
That’s how my youngest welcomed me when I tried to wake him up from his nap a few weeks ago. I have a feeling he’s going to be an interesting teenager…
“Mama, I’m going to marry you!”
My oldest whispers this in my ear at least once a week. For more on this interesting development phase, read my post “Mama, I’m going to marry you!”
“Just wait, it’s barfering!”
Barfering, buffering – yeah, I guess you could use either term when you stare at on your computer screen, waiting for streaming video to get going.
“It says, Be nice and no biting!”
What my two-and-a-half-year-old son decided his fortune paper said out of a Chinese fortune cookie… The kid knows what’s good for him!
“Mummies are dead people wrapped up in toilet paper”
That’s what my four-year old believes about mummies. It doesn’t help that he gets those facts from Skippyjon Jones in mummy trouble!
“Where is my f&#%ing triceratops?”
Wow… and that’s coming out of a two year old’s mouth!!! I’m not sure I’m more proud that he can use the F expletive in a grammatically correct sentence, or that he can say triceratops… We’d better watch our language around the kids!
“Read Sophie Peter Pan, please!”
That’s what my two-and-a-half year old son calls Sophie in the book “Sophie Peterman tells the truth”. Ironically it does have a page about pirates in there, but no specific mention of Captain Hook!
“Can you show me how to get really married with Marisa, so we can have a baby?”
My oldest’s request regarding his unmarried situation with his schoolmate. What are they really teaching them in school?
“Stop Papa, you can’t read French!”
My two-year-old’s brutely honest observation when his dad tries to read him a book in French.
“You’ll be able to do it when you’re four”
My four-year-old son’s advice to his little brother when he can’t do something, like grabbing a blanket with his curled-up toes.
“It’s shaking the whole world!”
My four-year-old’s comment about the July 4, 2010 fireworks, as he watched them live for the first time in his life.
“It’s barfering!”
My two-year-old son making up his own word while waiting for YouTube videos to “buffer”. You can’t tell he’s had barfing thoughts on his mind recently…
“I want to go to Michael’s, get the white whale.”
OK, at first this doesn’t sound too amazing, but that’s what my two-year-old told me 30 seconds after I had EXACTLY the same thought in my head. We were driving to a store located in the same plaza as Michael’s and I was remembering that my son had been checking out the beluga whale there. That was the thought on my mind right before I heard him say out loud what I had been thinking! Coincidence, or amazing ESP (extra-sensory perception)? You tell me!
“You don’t poop on the floor, you poop on the potty!”
What my two-year-old potty-trained son told his almost three-year-old playmate at daycare. The kid went on to poop on the potty instead of his diaper, for the first time in his life. Peer pressure in action!
“I saw two rhinos poop on the floor!”
What my two-year-old son feels compelled to tell almost everyone he talks to since he did see that happen (straight shot) during our latest visit to San Diego’s Wild Animal Park. I still have visions of this when he mentions it, it was quite striking…
“Let’s go to Uncle Steve’s house, get a gun and shoot him!”
My son’s idea on how to get rid of the squirrel who comes in our backyard and munches on my sweet chard seedlings. We didn’t get a gun, didn’t kill the squirrel and there’s absolutely no trace of sweet chard left in my garden. I see my son’s point now.
“Beep the horn, Mama!”
That’s what my oldest son likes to say when he gets impatient with the traffic in front of us. He’s the second worst backseat driver I know, right behind… you guess it, his very own dad. You don’t believe me? He won’t just say, “beep the horn”, he’ll actually reach over and press on it!
“Did you like playdough when you were a little boy?”
My almost four-year old son saying this to me, his mom. He obviously suffers from gender misconceptions, or I need to grow my hair longer than shoulder length…
“My daddy’s here!”
What my two-year old says when I, his mom, pick him up at daycare every day. Alright, am I turning into a man??? For his defense, he calls us Mama and Papa, so maybe he doesn’t understand what Daddy is yet.
“Buzz Up Here!”
My two-year old trying to say “Buzz Lightyear”.
“You’re an a…hole, Papa!”
My two-year old likes to make his dad laugh every time he says that. After a dozen times in the past couple of weeks, dad is not laughing anymore…
“What are we doing today?”
What my oldest son says every weekend when he wakes up from his nap, thinking this is a brand new morning. The other day, he even commented as we were leaving home at 4:30pm that he hadn’t had his breakfast pancakes yet!
“More broccoli, papa!”
What an 18-month old tells you to make you feel so proud! Two years later, he still loves broccoli.
By the way, kids not only say but they also do the darndest things! Read my post on “How to entertain a child with trash cans and ducks” to find out more.
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My kids say the darnedest things too ;-) … sometimes!
LOL. I can really relate to some of these quotes, especially the brutally honest ones, the gender misconceptions, and the waking up after a nap and thinking it’s morning…
Considering my 4yo likes to eat at least 3 breakfasts each morning, it was particularly important not to give in and start again in the afternoon.
Great that you wrote this down, funny for others to read and great for you to look back on!
My kids are into asking me what they were like as babies right now, so it will be fun to refer to these quotes when they ask me what they were like as little kids where they’re older.
I am glad to see that my children under the age of 6 are not the only ones who know how to prononounce a..hole and f@#ker:) Thanks for the read!
Haha, you’re welcome! I have to admit we’re the rolemodels for the swear words at our house… But better they learn them from us than from little jerk at school. At least, they know how to use them properly in a sentence and when they’re appropriate or not (at least I think so now!).
While driving in the car and discussing philosophy, the discussion turned to who was getting into heaven and how – the almost 2yr old chimed in with “Shake your hiney!” A very unique idea as to how to get into heaven – her mom and I were cracking up the rest of the drive.
Haha, that’s pretty funny! My kids continue to say hilarious things sometimes, often without realizing how funny they are.